That lip bite…straight to the panties each and every time *_____*
To think that this place is gonna be covered with tents next month…y clean up at all? (Taken with instagram)
Can you even comprehend the pain that you have caused to my heart and soul?
Do you even know what you do to me?
…
.Stupid love songs.
All the songs that get played remind me of you. Stupid sad, hurt love songs.
- I’ll Be Right Here Waiting
- What Hurts The Most
- Please Remember
- If You’re Not The One
- Here Without You
- Nothing Compares To You
- Don’t Speak
- Never Let Go
…If you could only understand how many feelings I have for you. This is all just too painful for me.
Even with the great support of friends that I have around me…Believe me, I am so incredibly thankful for people putting up with me and my constant depressive state…But it’s as if the pain comes back tenfold when I’m left alone…
.All I want is you.
… what is wrong with my bias.
Only now I realise he’s making a reference to Uhm Jung Hwa, oh TOP
Tabi…Y u so adorable?! <3
Do you even have any idea what you do to me?
Any idea what you’ve done to me?
The way I am now….This is all the consequence of what you chose.
I never chose to give up on us. I never chose to give up on you.
“We” are not over. Not for me. Because I’m not giving up…even though every fiber in my body wants to just to stop all the emotional pain you’re causing me.
Even though the way you broke my heart felt like you killed me…I’m not giving up. Because if I don’t have you….Then I have nothing…
I miss you. Alot…
I want you back at my side and me at yours. I miss us talking over Skype even after having spending the most of our day together. I miss gaming with you. I miss your scent. I miss your voice, your sillyness, your seriousness, your smile, your eyes… I miss you. All of you.
My ideal situation…
You would finally take the lid off of the emotions and feelings that you’ve tried to suppress. Everything comes back to you as if it were yesterday.
The way you felt whenever you saw me smile…The way you felt compelled to help me when you could hear sadness in my voice…The way we embraced each other whenver we could… The way we kissed to show our love to eachother…The way we just loved each other in any way possible.
You remember all the positive things in our relationship that far overpowers the few negative things that happened.
You would feel how strong your love for me really was and still is, even though you’ve tried to it down into a mental box to store for good memories. You remember all the great things that we were. And you feel overwhelmed to see me straight away.
You get on your bike and ride to my place as soon as you can even though it’s late. You knock on my door anxiously waiting to see if I will open it…or if I was even at home at all.
I open the door surprised that you are even there. I just stare at you in awe as if my old angel had reappeared in front me.
You take one look at me and feel your eyes water up. Regretting even having thought the thoughts that had run through your mind when you were feeling low that time. Regretting letting go of someone who you knew cared so much about you and who you knew loved you with all her heart and soul.
You take one step inside and put your arms around me, hugging me as if you never wanted to let me go again. You bury your head into my hair and neck and start to feel the tears trickle down your cheeks.
“I’m sorry…I’m really sorry.”
The only thing you manage to choke out before you feel overwhelmed by the whole situation.
I pull you inside, close the door and put my arms around you for the first time in a long time. It feels as though years have passed by when it had only been a little over a month.
And just like that…all the sorrow and loneliness that has been my constant friend seems to evaporate into thin air as the feeling of love is finally brought back into my life.
No words are needed to know that we are together again. We just look into each other’s eyes and understand what this all is about.
You vow to never let a thing like this happen again. To never let yourself be unsure of how you feel towards me again. You tell me that you love me and have missed me since the day you closed the door behind you when you saw me sink to the floor, crying, and end up spending the night.
Pure hapiness and true love is felt by both of us. Nothing could make us feel more complete than this.
Things might be hard during the day
And even harder at night
But I’ll be here waiting,
With you in my heart
until the day your path
leads you to me again.
_____________________________________________
People tell me that things will get better eventually. That I’ll get over this pain. But I don’t think they truely know how strong I feel about you. I don’t think they can comprehend it…
There is no one else that I want in my life. There is no one else but you. I see myself with no one else but you. You own my heart…simple as that.
Even if it means that I have to wait a while…I’ll be patient no matter how much I may hurt because I know that the prize is well worth the wait.
I’ll either wait for you or end up being that crazy cat/bird/dog/animal lady that everyone knows.
At least I will have known that I met my soulmate in my lifetime…
______________________________________
All this clarity all of the sudden doesn’t mean that I will still not be like this for the time being. ..
No.
I don’t want to be portrayed as the villain because I chose to come to your house to talk even though you made it clear that you didn’t.
I took a chance by coming over and I have never in my life done that before. I see it as a far too vulnerable thing for myself to do. But I did it…because I am a very vulnerable person with you. Honest to the extent that I find myself nauseating because I can’t remember saying the things I’ve said to you and mean them with such a passion that it actually hurts for me to tell you about.
And yes, I know that you’d most likely hate that I write about us so everyone can read but that means that you could be reading this as well. And well…It’s therapeutic for me to express myself now, instead of bottling my feelings up like I used to. You might be able to understand and read this, digest this in your own time….You might be able to understand how much you actually mean to me even though you proceed to push me away….
…
You told me yourself that you don’t always get what you want in life and that sucks. One of the reasons why I came over even though almost every fiber in my body told me not to. One of the reasons why I am not going to let this kill me because I know…We are worth it. And I am not going to let you walk out of my life easily even though that might be what you find easiest.
I did something really stupid. I know.
I went to his house to tell him how I felt even though every fiber in my body told me not to. I just can’t stand not being able to tell him what’s goin on in my head.
God fucking damn it. I know that my crying doesn’t help but how does one control their tears?
But it’s definative…He has put a lid on his emotions towards me, not letting himself feel any sort of emotion. This pulled on the last bit of hope that I had of him at least contemplating on retrying the whole “relationship” thing.
Telling me that you don’t even want to try anymore…that your tired of trying….I never knew that words could hurt me so much.
To know that you do whatever you can just in order to not think of me…not to miss me. Not to have any emotional attachement to me whatsoever…I couldn’t have imagined a pain worse than that…because I thought that at the very least, you still loved me…
Losing you as my true love was hard enough as it is…Knowing that I fell deeply in love with someone that feels he can’t be in a relationship because he feels that there is too much responsibility in having one to begin with…How am I supposed to tackle that?
I have never been in so much emotional and physical pain in all my life…
I can’t describe my pain…All I know is that it’s too much for my heart to handle.
Reading fanfics screws up my sense of reality and makes my heart ache even more for you.
I end up squealing like a little schoolgirl when lovey dovey and smut scenes are read. All while I can feel my longing for you intensify.
I’ve never been good at being alone.
Random thought(s) that have been in my head the past few days
The thing that some of my friends around me don’t get is that I don’t want to get on with life as I see my life isn’t worth getting on with without Kasper. I feel that he was my true love.
“You’ll move on…it may hurt alot now but things will get better.”
No. They won’t. You know why? Because that is my choice.
I choose not to get on with my life because he was something that made my miserable life worth living. He isn’t something I’m going to give up on. Because when you find your true love, you never give up.
My mood has been like some crazy roller coaster ride the past 2 weeks. Going from glad and giddy to majorly depressed and sobbing my heart out the next hour. But you know what…I have now accepted that I need to give him his space so he can start to feel his own feelings…if he even lets that happen…
But at least I know that I tried.
To make things sadder….I had a really disturbing dream today..Might write about it in another post because I tend to write my dreams out like a story and they can get pretty detailed. BUT! I had another dream after my disturbing one…A dream that Kasper came back to me, begging me to be with him again because he realised that it wasn’t worth giving up on…That’s how the atmosphere felt like at least.
But the dream was so realistic that I belived it for a split second when I woke up…only for everything to come crashing down agan when I realised that it was actually just a dream and I didn’t wake up to him beside me.
I just wish you’d let yourself write to me…Instead of straight up ignoring me when you said yourself you never wanted it to happen…
